What to do about it: Don't jump to conclusions. We could have worked it out. Again, he has no interest in sex and doesnt even like me seeing him naked say getting out of the shower, or undressing, etc.. And, he remains curled up and turned away from me in bed at night. Either her body and hormones are so off that she needs the support of . Glenn, as a man to another man; its time to let that person go. If I was better looking and could make the time to find a willing partner Id do it because sex has dwindled a lot in the last ten years. If you are tired of initiating intimacy and are concerned that my wife wont touch me sexually, youre not alone. It is possible that a lack of sex may have shifted your focus on physical intimacy whereas a lack of emotional intimacy may be driving your wife away from the idea of sex. Your children can/will respect only what they see and experience. Here is the rub though. That you would elevate paid sex with a stranger above the shared intimacy and love found only after years together as partners says even more. Thank you for sharing! And I still dont even know why! We do love each other though. Limited-Time Deal on Marriage Course. 8 reasons why your wife never initiates intimacy, 5 things to do if your wife never initiates intimacy, My wife never wants to have sex 8 ways to initiate intimacy, 15 Things A Woman Can Do to Spice Up the Bedroom, How to Have Better Sex in a Marriage: 20 Helpful Tips, 30+ Best Sex Tips for Women That Drive Men Crazy, 30 Hot Sex Games for Couples to Play Tonight, 10 Helpful Tips if Youre Tired of Initiating Intimacy, 5 Benefits of Maintenance Sex for Relationships and Marriage, How Physical Relationship Before Marriage Affects Your Relationship, How Relationship Coaching for Men Can Transform Your Love, 30 Traditional and Modern Anniversary Gifts Year by Year, Relationship Bullying: Meaning, Signs and What to Do, 100 Romantic and Funny Questions to Ask Your Husband, Top 100 Wedding Registry Ideas That Can Make You Happy, 100+ Inspirational Womens Day Messages for Your Wife, 50 Fun Things For Couples To Do At Home When Bored, 100 Best International Womens Day Quotes for Your Lady, The Importance Of Maintaining Healthy Family Relationships, Sexless Marriage: Reasons, Effects & Tips To Deal With It, What To Do When You Feel No Emotional Connection With Your Husband, 25 Common Marriage Problems Faced by Couples & Their Solutions, 50+ Best Funny Marriage Advice: Finding Humor in Commitment, 35 Relationship Goals for Couples & Tips to Achieve Them, Feeling No Emotional Connection With Your Husband, How to Get Back Together After Separation, 6 Ways to Tell if Someone is Lying About Cheating, 5 Signs That You Are Living in a Toxic Marriage, 7 Important Tips to Build Trust in a Relationship, 10 Effective Communication Skills for Healthy Marriages, 20 Signs of a Married Man in Love With Another Woman. Didnt mean to lump all this on You but your comment triggered something. Just shows how woman dont know anything about other women. Very true! Addressing these issues will likely buoy your sex life naturally. You either need to leave or stay in it knowing that she is sexless towards you. I could care less what he says or does. I dont want to sleep in separate rooms or even separate beds. When theres a disconnect and communication gaps that lead to resentment, the hostility will make itself apparent in some way or the other, says Gopa. And I suffer. Same for women who refuse to engage in sex with their partners. Im only 63 and Ive pretty much just given up. not someone to basically jerk off into. As sex therapist Vanessa Marin, LMFT, once told mbg, "There's a two-way relationship between relationship satisfaction and sexual desire.". You risk losing it all for the same quick minute that you already have with your wife. Being uncomfortable in their own skin and ashamed of the extra weight is a common reason why women start avoiding physical intimacy with their spouses. But connection and intimacy, and yes even sex, IS a need for many. I am retired on social security, having spent my entire returment funds on an expensive divorce and a protracted hospital stay and heart and brain surgeries. He (so far) said no. Related Reading: How Do You Deal With A Quarrelsome Wife? Im 15 years younger than my husband. In my case our problems are ever deeper in that ours is a Love /Hate relationship. What to do about it: Using lube can help immensely with vaginal dryness and pain, and including more clitoral stimulation and sex toys can help make sure sexual experiences continue to be pleasurable for your wife. I wonder if it could be depression (something he wouldnt admit to), but its been going on a long time. Yeah, wrinkles and less hair (me), but sex is as good as ever! Then,move on. A very wise woman my grandma. It is sad when u see other men drooling over me but the one I want. Frustrated. Take care of your body and mind! Get your dose of relationship advice from Bonobology right in your inbox. Join as many groups as you can, and leave him at home. We have had a lot of therapy through the years, but even after all this time I feel sexually numbed, completely disinterested and unable to respond.i still feel the need to be held by him and I love him so much, I felt so guilty. Should a wife forsake any of these advantages for the principle of equality? Hopefully I will die and be out of this misery. I go where I want and do my own thing, theres no where are you going, screaming and name calling. She wont talk about it and claims she desires no intimacy. Regardless of the reason your wife has pulled away from you, you must confront the situation. You need to know. Ill be living in a van down by the river if we separate. I dont have many helpful things to add but I am getting on with life, there is more to do than sit around wallowing in sexlessness. . And its understandable, its a very hard thing to accept. I dont know if thats whats happening for her, and of course the only way to know is to ask her. I can live with that, but I can not live with never being touched or made love to ever again. If your wife is going to have any appropriate romance in her life, its going to come from you. I look good for my age and am so tempted to look for another relationship. It is an axiom of mate selection in nature that males display and females choose. Here after all of this, what I am trying to say Stan, is if you feel as if your wife really and truly does not want to have anything to do with sex, maybe, as with my wife, her spirit has been broken and if that is the case, she very much needs your understanding more than ever before in your marriage. My wife and I are celebrating 48 years together in January. This can be emotionally wounding for her, and the man too if he has empathy. Brilliant. Because then who leads? She replied yes. Maybe it will make a difference, good luck. Willsounds like you live in the stone agesworks for you.but most woman like a say in whether they would like to be touched or not. When your husband keeps getting fired and he sits on the computer all day and rarely does anything around the house but bitches and complains about this or that and he puts you down and calls you names. And lastly, dont discount masturbation as a solution. From that point on, Croatia, Greece Island, every best ski area out west. I dont care what age this happens to a man, somehow the blame goes to the woman for not looking her best,gaining weight, busy with the kids, not willing to give oral sex and the list goes on and on. Its good for your general health, your sexual health and your sense of well-being. I think it is true that having sex with your partner is part and parcel of the love you feel for each other otherwise it just seems to fade. As Gopa points out, the reasons can stem from resentment to communication gaps or personal issues. But I still love her and will be heartbroken when that day comes. Women want to be swept off their feet. I remember when certain words did the trick. There is nothing sexier than seeing your man crazy! I spoil her all the time. When I wanted to leave, the only family I had told me theyd not support me whatsoever and just shut up grow up and deal with it and Id better do whatever it took to keep the husband. She said that I can take care of myself in the shower and that is just fine with her. Look, we have all pretty much aged our of sexual adventurism but our minds refuse to accept it. I am familiar with all of this and I kept silent for a very long time. Even books on men not wanting sex place the responsibility on the woman. You cannot force desire no matter what you do or if it is the other partner, same thing. I love my wife dearly after 52 years and great grandchildren I would have my junk removed before I hurt my family and our long marriage is a point of great pride and example for these people God allowed us to have in our lives. I get it and don't want to add to her stress. Even if it is difficult, do everything you can to put yourself in her shoes. People get lazy and just expect sex to happen because theyre married. Outwardly to friends he seems a good husband, and he is BUT he will not have sex as he dies not fancy me anymore! Hopefully, you now know just what to work on, with the help of the reasons why your wife never initiates physical contact. I feel your frustration. . Jack- SHe aint lost brother. Im 55 my name is Tom, I havent made love to my wife in nearly 9 years due to her having several medical issues. 3. I cook and currently renovating the home again only to hear Thats great, Now what about the bedroom?. She believes relationships should be easyand that, with room for self-reflection and the right toolkit, they can be. Youre doing them harm when refusing. Thats it, you said it thats what the woman loves. Here are some possible openings finesse one or more of these to fit your comfort and style: I strongly suggest that you see a sex therapist (find one in your location) or a sex-savvy counselor for guidance. It pains Mike and me to hear that women can suffer this way too. And Marley, I deeply sorry for your situation. How about just being happy with love and affection? She may not understand the first time around, but if you keep trying, perhaps shell understand the need to maintain a balance between her roles as a mother and a wife. When we had our kids he was so mad because the babies got attention from me and thought when home they should take back stage. I would do just about anything to have a willing partner like you! Good luck. Ive been accepting of her feelings and expectations. But here I sit.pissed off. Send Joan your questions by emailingsexpert@seniorplanet.org. mine forgot my birthday this year (it is 2 days before his lol) and our wedding anniversary : ( I can not compete with his online game omg he plays 24-7 so I can relate to your problem with your wife choosing the phone over you thats cold. If done with the full knowledge of both partners, and always using safe sex, this would provide another solution to their dilemma. Then theres the masturbation/porn thing. Harley, yeah I believe men are more likely to complain then women in places like this. Fully. So we settle. I honestly dont know what happens to men as they age. He (so far) said no. I caught my husband with his ex girlfriend. First, that every interaction will be based on trust. The role only involves the two lovers and an invited therapist they consented to. Have you asked whether she experienced vaginal pain during sex? Should I let him go elsewhere? A marriage I have no interest in ending, ever. Fundamentally, it comes down to 3 choices: leave, cheat, or suffer. I live in my garage, shop, apartment and happy as clam no yelling and name calling. Empathy is about feeling her burdens and sitting with them instead of trying to solve them. Our mouths and fingers still work! She received her journalism degree from Northwestern University, and her writings on sex, relationships, identity, and wellness have appeared at The Cut, Vice, Teen Vogue, Cosmopolitan, and elsewhere. The first and most important thing you should do if your wife is never in the mood is talk about it. He is suffering from a mental health issue. Make your own porn and watch that. We had an active sex life and I miss the physical part of our lives. "Anatomically and physiologically, decreasing estrogen and just plain aging cause potential problems for our libido," Hardwick-Smith writes in her book. Im in ok shape, not overweight . A dip in intimacy can be brought on by several factors new responsibilities, changing priorities, biological and physiological changes. I see a divorce in the near future. But, here we are with 13 grandchildren from the strong marriages of our 9 surviving children. I would divorce him but whats the point. Nothing, I mean nothing, kills a relationship, a marriage, a union, more thoroughly than complacency and boredom. I want my wife to be happy with the experience as well. Too bad, b/c I think Id be better for him than she could ever be. Could it be that your wife avoids intimacy and shuns the idea of making love? What does it mean when your wife doesn't show affection? Share your feelings with your wife openly, honestly, and vulnerably without expecting it to lead to something physical. she and I cannot even sit on the couch and watch TV as she scoots away from me. He doesnt even like to kiss. Im 69 and still active. Or you can try and find a willing partner. I have not had an affair because, well, thats just not me. It is sad and hurtful and I felt she only did me favor to have sex with me.. We have 3 young kids so divorce is not an option and I had been sleeping in guest room for almost 6 months now.. Technology is at an amazing point for this right now. i feel for you my spouse stopped being interested in sex 20 years ago at my age 51,for many years we had some extrem arguments and are still having them,,, to no avail what do you do. I hope that she too will woo me, always, as well. aids that i bought. If the sex is all about you, its no surprise that your partner may not want to indulge in it. I mean the guy has a woman more than willing to get playful and see what happens and he uses porn? I appreciate the fact that my wife has stayed with. Talk to your wife about the lack of intimacy, 11 Lovely Ways To Date Your Spouse Spice Up YourMarriage, 200 Newlywed Game Questions For That Instant Bonding, 45 Questions To Ask Your Husband For A Heart-To-Heart Conversation, Why Is Marriage Important? Really? It can be helpful to have this conversation with the help of a sexuality professional, such as a sex therapist or coach. We enjoy our company, share similar hobbies, have a lovely family and house, like to travell together, share chores ( I make a gourmet breakfast every Sunday) dont really have financial issues apart from the normal stress episodes, and above all we love each other dearly or at least we say it all the time! My wife and me have been married 9 1/2 years and entered a phas of no sex about 6 months ago. There's nothing wrong with the lower-libido partnerthey simply just don't want sex as often as the other person. Nothing is out of bounds! Ever again. Cater to her needs, indulge in some foreplay, and stop being selfish! I do not believe love will demand it as a duty but love also doesnt hand over the relationship to the destructive forces and temptations, The older I get the more confident I am No sex 7 years!!! I think it was a relief for him because he was not much into sex. NO! She has just lost interest. I refuse to live out my life not feeling special. It's possible that your wife is no longer attracted to you or perhaps no longer interested in being married to youthough just note, a lowered libido alone is not necessarily indicative of a larger problem with the relationship. So as partners age, sometimes we have to stop asking for what is too painful for them to give. A subtle way of saying I will date outside the marriage. Work and motherhood can be overwhelming, so instead of asking her for sex at the end of the day when youre both exhausted, start planning for it. Once you restore an emotional connection, your physical one is sure to follow. Sorry. Why is it that Men are the ones left out in the cold Masturbating in the dark. She has rejected counseling and even criticizes my masterbation or porn. Only 50 at wits end, I dont want to start over, but I dont want to go another 10 years like this either, I cant talk to her about it be cause she has tried it didnt work, but no physical contact and her liking other guys attention just makes it unbearable, Between the undesirable side effects of the meds I take for depression and the unfortunate consequences of menopause, my sex drive is just dead, and I neither care nor have any desire whatsoever to revive it. Ive been teaching this to other young men for some time. Now, for the past several months, we go to bed together and after I have fallen asleep, he starts masterbating and the shaking of the bed awakens me. Wow wish my hubby was so attentive as you! After being away for a month I lay there hoping to speak to to my wife and greet her in the morning after a long nights sleep. I found him to be the most attractive man Ive ever met! . Is like 5 times a year.! Man, thats no way to respond to your wife, person you care deeply about whos saying to you that theyre experiencing mental health crisis in your relationship. I respect your right to your opinion, but to say that an egalitarian relationship always ends in dysfunction & misery is unfounded and far from true. My wife will listen to my concerns about sex, but will not take hormone supplementation because of the science which indicates it can cause cancer in rare cases. (function() { // REQUIRED CONFIGURATION VARIABLE: EDIT THE SHORTNAME BELOW I love him and want to please him even if I feel nothing or just help him reach release. My situation isnt as severe as many here. To some it may even taste nasty. If you didnt leave before the first kid arrived, you were in for a life sentence. Virtually every woman Ive been with, and there werent that many, experienced a lot of discomfort with me penetrating them no matter how gentle and slow I took it, with or without lube, and regardless of how excited they were). But she is just not sexually attracted to me. I mean how do you do that if your married? What to do about it: Similar to any other health issue, it's important to be compassionate and supportive of a partner struggling with mental health. That was 20 years ago. Nobody tells you about this stuff in premarital counseling Susan I think many men would find your comments upsetting. And yeah I can pleasure myself, but that will never be like the real thing. I feel like its just my life now. So selfish and controlling . You have no idea how ignorant your statement is. She will sit in bed on her phone though. Better than NO sex of any sort for 10+ years, and being rediculed for masturbating. You say you dont know if youre doing foreplay right. The dog loves her. Christi do us a favor and explain what you are talking about. I self reflected and starting cooking again, especially on her late nights. Thomas, I agree! She didnt. And for the love of god stop watching fake porn. My wife never touches me anymore after weve had our child, Greg told us. But it should not stop like this as it hampering your life. What is the point of being married if there is no intimacy? However this does not mean that sex should just cease and its quite difficult for one party in a marriage or long term relationship to just do without something like this because the other party has lost interest (or is depressed), or whatever. Why would he ever have too? Women have all these excuses and fare enough many of them are legitimate but some of it is disconnecting. Well -they dont. My grandma used to tell me, You cant fix broken people. If you are tired of initiating intimacy and your wife doesnt want sex anymore, it may be time to consider marriage counseling. But we are kidding ourselves if we somehow justify a womans position requiring fidelity in a sexless marriage. Tall. Thats not going to make you happy in the long run!!! So, I guess Ill just embrace the suck. I am 53 and my wife is 55. I have what may be slight ED..but offered to stimulate and play at sex often..there are some really fun marital If youre living with a gut feeling that your wife avoids intimacy on purpose, it may be time to take matters into your hand to rejuvenate your relationship. Menopause can affect a woman's sexual functioning2 and overall interest in sex. I dont even bother to talk to her (all she does is whine and complain). Unfortunately I dont, as it seems were merely friends but certainly not lovers! So, get your act together, start showering in the evenings, put on some cologne for her and, most importantly, keep things well groomed and hygienic down there. To survive youll need to cheat or else go insane. If you are not communicating about this, nothing will change. Many marriages are suffering in this area, and even the strongest and most supportive husbands feel isolated from their wives. She says she loves me but cant stand to touch me. We must have sex or blow up, not a choice. I never signed up to be married and not getting sex. I hate her for cheating me out of sex. Life is way too short! only will your wife not want to touch you, but you probably wont want her to anymore. Thats something that you honestly need to ask yourself. Porn is the no. She may be experiencing depression or a lack of self-confidence, or maybe she feels like she's failing at this parenting thing. Agree Sean. Im in the same situation with my overweight, lazy, 48 year old wife. Well, our partners dont seem to care they are hurting us. Intimacy isnt about sex, its about being close in more ways than sexually. Are you a fit 55 year old woman with a high sex drive? For senior sex news, tips, event and webinar announcements, and special offers,join Joans mailing list. Brother, your story sounds exactly like mine. Maybe your wife isn't initiating sex, or she seems to be actively avoiding it. What played in husband mind is that the wife do not care, do not want to have relationship, intimacy etc. Cheers Rl. Ohio M in same situation and when I bring it up she always says well why dont you just get a divorce. Is this the case with your guy or does he nave no urges at all? Its maddening! there is NO physical connection PLUS no sex. Were in a lifetime partnership. And lots of different health issues and life circumstances can affect your hormones, as can taking hormonal birth control (i.e., the pill). BTWsome in your wifes position build great insurmountable resentment. But they can FORCE their partners to NOT have sex and No one seems to want to talk about that. In a long-term relationship, the partner with the higher libidowhich is not always . That happens with prostate removal and my father had that and my mother didnt have to have sex with him anymore. I have a high libido and masterbate frequently, which I know she is aware of. Not once does he try to get her off, he just rolls over and goes to sleep. Also shes happy without sex after her hysterectomy and gal bladder surgery. my dad is 85 years old and my mom is 5 years his senior at 90 years old. A study published by the Journal of Sexual Medicine found that women had more difficulty staying focused during intimacy and lower arousal levels when under stress. 9. Guess were done here . It got to the point that he wanted sex badly and was about to lose his mind. In the end, she doesnt want it and I have stopped caring. I understand that kids, work, and home projects can weaken your romantic side over time, but it doesnt have to be that way. Drying up was a major problem. All that said, unless your wife has a known health condition that she's currently managingor she's had a very sudden and significant change in her sex drivedon't assume that her lack of interest in having sex with you means something is medically wrong with her. See all of Joans advice in Sex@Our Age. Now when I express frustration, she will occasionally make a half hearted attempt, but rejects me at the last moment which has brought forth some lack of confidence for me and resentment towards her. Ive read where most men think the woman should spice up their sex lives to keep the man from cheating and those kind of men are lazy. I have kept fit and kept busy. Hi Mary Well said my friend. He was gone on the road 80% of the time. You can find a sitter and really focus on each other. What to about it: Have an earnest, exploratory conversation with each other about what sex means to you both as individuals, and then talk about how you can create a mutually satisfying sex life that works for both of you. . Get some technique. Let them know how their refusal to engage with you sexually has affected you emotionally, physically, mentally and pyschologically. Bitter? Noah loves to write on matters of the heart and mind. I like to think there is hope but unsure. Whenever equality or egalitarianism gets discussed in the context of marriage, you can be sure this will involve benefits/advantages, whether natural or societal, that men have that ought to be shared equally with women and not benefits/advantages, whether natural or societal, that women have that ought to be shared equally with men. Prior to that, for seven years, we would occasionally engage in oral, which was unsatisfying since it was one sided and felt mechanical. She consulted with her doctor who recommended hormone treatment and her research on cancer had her rejecting that avenue. He just isnt interested and blames it on his diabetes. However, another simple answer is that she isnt used to being the initiator. Men must risk themselves, including sacrificing their own lives if necessary, to protect the women and children in their care. I think I was just the sperm donor and now I am the sugar daddy that provides her a comfortable life. And one factor is being a caregiver. Let him know, with passion and love, that you miss *that* him . I did some self searching and recognized that the marriage had been one of convenience and the love wasnt there for me. She doesnt like the image she sees in the mirror and that quells any sexual desire within. If your wife avoids intimacy constantly, paying attention to the emotional bond you share with her may be a good starting point. My current wife was 49 and I was 54 when we met and sex was twice a day for over a year, When she proposed to me, I raesoned that she was a good friend and sex was more then satisfactory, so I accepted. Sex should be mutually inclusive. Men are not mind readers. a great career in media..She seems to have lost interest in ME. He has performance anxiety. She would never agree to an open relationship and I shouldnt be unhappy. If your wife never initiates sex, its time to bring out your inner charmer and start romancing your wife. My NEW husband gets a hard on, loves me to give him oral sex but is not sexually attracted to me at all. If that is not possible, it may be too late. Men empathize with women in a way that women do not with men; men *want* to make decisions that benefit women, individually and as a group (the Women are Wonderful effect, which both men and women exhibit). Signs My Husband Isn't Attracted To Me - He Rejects Your Hugs, Kisses, And Touch. Just curious. If your wife is struggling with mental health concerns, anxiety, or depression that are not being handled professionally, gently encourage her to talk with someone about how shes feeling. Maybe not as often or intense, but more tender, Life is complicated and gets more complicated as we get older. our belief of *how* we should act and behave . I had a client recently who was so angry at her spouse, she said she didnt want to have any physical intimacy with her husband, If he wants to get divorced, let him get divorced, she said. Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life. Ive read about vaginal atrophy and would guess she has it. He feels unwanted or unappreciated. I agree, once they stop theres nothing thats going to get them interested or willing to do it again. Semi handsome for an old guy. I own real estate property with my sister which provides some income. The gender doesnt matter here, but if you have trust issues, its eventually going to lead to resentment. Unfortunately, Buck Necked is correct. Feeling like my wife never initiates intimacy is incredibly frustrating. Get a better paying job so she doesnt have to work her butt off. If your penis does not work, attempt to fix it. He never smiles? Were just a hole for your pole . Your wife may simply just not want sex as regularly as you do, and she may not even know how important sex is to you. A little flirting, some sex, and shed start pushing for a ring. I was in bed for a week with complications and ended up in the ER and the doctor said given my reactions my risk for stroke is 25% higher using Testosterone but I still get told I need to think of her and give it another try. Here's her full guide to prioritizing sex as parents. 2. Once the women have these needs fulfilled the sexual desire for the man that gave them all the things they desired goes away. A woman needs to hear that over and over again, or else she will think that you don't love her anymore (it's contrary to most men, who can be told a thing once and. My other half sees it as rejection and makes angry threats. Life is definitely funny. If your wife thinks she may have vaginal atrophy, I hope shell see a knowledgeable doctor or pelvic floor therapist to get a diagnosis and treatment plan that can alleviate her discomfort.