My moms dad lives with them and he called 911. He didnt want to be here when she left and he felt like hed already lost her. The people that I know that knew him only knew him a little better then I did, as we all belonged to a MeetUp group. We just stayed on the drive way and let the paramedics go to him. Despite everything I learned, I am struggling with this deep sense of loss that I didnt let him in. Thank you. Hugs to you this Holiday Season. Four minutes he was gone. WYG provides general educational information from mental health professionals, but you should not substitute information on the Whats Your Grief website for professional advice. She was going to a therapist. We lost our son January 6 2021 to suicide Its a long complicated but amazing story. Thank you for sharing your story. Even knowing this, the grief is horrendous, so many shoulda, coulda, woulda, not to mention the answers I so desire. God bless all of you! he fooled us all, he hid it so well that even seen him almost every day i could not get a hint of what was happening. On March 13, 2018 my brother shot himself. I cannot, not learn from this situation. I lost my mother to suicide when my youngest was about a year old. I used to hope things would get better but I've let go of any ambition to better myself i just want to not exist anymore I miss him so much. I just cant wrap my head around the fact that an accomplished nurse and the mom of 2 of the best kids one could ask for, could do this? As I had commented earlier, I lost my father to suicide on March 5th. I found her old phone with the screen cracked. I drove to the house after what felt like forever, soon after he was pronounced dead. I dont know how to feel anymore. You can be grateful for the time you spent together AND also mourn your loss. Those are the scars of suicide, and you have to learn to live with those scars, My kids are my rock, he wasnt their biological father, but he had been in their lives from a very young age. She had suffered from depression for years and a licensed RN one would think shed be the first to admit a problem, nope! I then sat on my bed, and cried. My advice is try not to feel guilty about the feeling better when you get there, your allowed, your still here and no matter what was going thru his mind he did love you and its ok to be angry. Although we do monitor these comments, unless we are directly asked a question or addressed, many times we leave it to other commenters to respond. My brother. Question why it happened until you no longer need to know why or until you are satisfied with partial answers. Just to hug him and tell him I love him and thank him for helping me become who I am in so many ways. She of course told him she had to ask her parents first and would let him know. I see every wrong move I made that led to him doing it. Her first husband had died 1.5 years before we met, and they had a young son. She had me and my other 3 sisters!! I have 3 children as well as 2 beautiful grandchildren. He dropped out of school. However as an individual if these terms dont feel right to you then by all means you should choose the language that you feel most closely matches your outlook and experience. He was a good young man that I would do anything you asked him. since then i dont understand my attitude, i can easily gets irritated and my communication to others was losing. Thank you. It all happened one year ago exactly. what kind of life is this; a life without color.. We lost our son, and two years later our daughter in law remarried and her husband died exactly like our son 6 weeks after they got married. My ex-husband took his own life a week ago. They market it like a cure to your illness if you can live through the side effects. We talked about it and he promised me hed always call me if his mind started to wander into the darkness. He briefly mentioned messages on the night about what he was about to do but being the young joker lad he was he always used humour about things like this so how was I to know? I didnt really like this guys other friends either, and I said to her that Ill just come knock for her in the morning if I dont turn up.. ( that phone call.. could of changed our lifes if it went differently ). I feel so sad for him. I understand as my dad shot himself in the head in front of my mom and his cousin in June 2019. So forget and heal. I dont k is why he did this. There were plenty of reasons why he wouldve done this, the hopelessness of addiction, loss of his kids, his fading youth and ego, his mental illness.. whether something happened that was the last straw Ill never know. One day, I guess she was just done. Hell never graduate high school, or go into college like he wanted to do. From bringing us to work or friends houses to girlfriends houses. My one wish is that you have found peace. If I only knew he was diagnosed I could maybe have got the guns out of the house? Through loss of Family to suicide, as Well as My husband 5 yrs ago, then again when my Fiance took his life a little over one year ago. I still fail to understand why it was okay to do this to us, we never did anything wrong. But I was not able to see the pain she was going through, she was depressed and wanted to get back to her jerk ex bf. I at least would have wanted to say good bye and hold him (even though he hates it) and tell him that I love him and that I was so proud of him. I chose to remember all of it. We put him in a sober home as a final resort where he was to address his self medicating and mental health issues. he suffered from schizophrenia. I know now after reading many books that my son had depression in his early teens. Then he started to. Hi Sue, I dont know if you ever listen to the radio show This American Life but if you do (or if your want to check it out) there is an episode called Birds and Bees and the last third of the show is about helping kids who lost someone to suicide learn how to talk about it open and honestly. As the police came to the door he pulled the trigger. My son made his first suicide attempt at age 18. Seeing all the people that loved him and reading about the things he did for people. It hasnt gotten any easier, yet. No amount of time will mend this heart of ours. Once we got home we decided to ride around the neighborhood and smoke a cigarette and drink a beer. Thanks, Josie, Im so sorry for what youre going through. Daddys dead? she asked with panic in her voice and tears beginning to form in her eyes. Take assurance that your pain will ease and it will become a bit easier with time. Good for you for trying a second group when the first one wasnt a good fit, so many people give up after their first try! His mother finally admitted to their existence when I called her after reading his obituary on the internet six months after his death. Lots of his search history was about mental health issues like depression, anxiety, and of course pedophilia. Around a year and 2 weeks ago, one of my closest friends took her own life. When I was ill, he became aware of my issues. I suggest you check out this page to find someone more equipped to help: https://grief.com/grief-counselor-directory/. Hi Joanna. My husband of 22-years took his life in May 2019. He had told me that he had thought about suicide before, I got him an appointment with a physician who gave him antidepressant medications. We spoke almost daily We thought he was beginning a new life. I want to talk about it but I dont. I thing about her was up until about a month into her pregnancy she was always the happy, understanding, loving person. Cheers, Albert. I think about him all the time, the finality of it all, just so sad. I did all I could to help her and gave her the unconditional love growing up as a parent should. We were both in a hurry to get power again since it was only two days before delivery of her new furniture.That day seconds after she walked out the back door the front doorbell rang. ALS, or amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, is a progressive neurodegenerative disease that affects nerve cells in the brain and the spinal cord. I too, lost my precious daughter, Kelly, by suicide. Following all of this I found out I have bipolar with mixed features, Ptsd, social anxiety and agoraphobia, my dad also found out he is bipolar as well. My heart hurts. But as the egocentric teenage girl I was at that moment I didnt call him back. She finally switched physicians and got the new one to prescribe her a lethal dose of a blood pressure medication that she told them she takes for migraines (she had never taken it before, I figured this out after her death by going through her emails and the possessions that the police returned to me). It was not your fault. The aftermath never goes away. But to stand strong and take this front on is to be strong for yourself. My name is Chris Coleman. Isabelle Siegel February 17, 2021 at 12:25 pm Reply. Me and my sister raced to the hospital when we got there we found out she shot herself in the head thru her mouth. My daughter questions whether she is still a mother. At Christmas, my husband became very anxious and depressed, and he was having difficulty functioning. I am so sorry. Him telling me I stole his stuff or was after him to attack or kill him. Then they told me he had shot himself in the head. So many are impacted by suicide of a loved one. So I told him I would not say anything to our children until after Christmas, that I didnt want to ruin it for them, he said he didnt either. I live fours away. My life is like the movie Groundhog Day, everyday the same. My cat, whom he was extremely fond of (and mutually reciprocated), died a couple months later I like to think they are spending time with each other. I had no idea it was coming but wasnt extremely surprised by it. I keep seeing that memory of her standing there saying hello to me as I came home from work. Now the pain of him being gone is fresh again its like it was yesterday. Im still struggling to come to terms with it. I have lost a friend, although a new friend that I really didnt know that well yet, to suicide. He was jealous and overprotective at times. Call 911 I screamed with all I had. That Iwas doing all I could to help her and encourage her to be as independent as possible.Our two older children that live away from us and have been for years,they are twenty years older than Lindsey,always said I spoiled her.Then losing her Daddy so suddenly both of us watching him go from seeming fine,laughing and watching TV to being gone,just gone in a matter of minutes.He died of a sudden heart attack. You can recover from this. My dad killed himself exactly a month ago on Fathers Day. . Which pisses me off. It can happen ti anyone. ~ Kathleen, claudia September 13, 2019 at 5:22 pm Reply. We had such a loving relationship that it is hard for me to understand that it was not enough for him to continue to live for. But, some of the best things Ive ever experienced came when things were the darkest. But the issue was when we where together , he would ( abuse me ) thats why we parted ways . But I cant. I still dont know when or how she took the pills that killed her. How could a 13 year-old know how to react in this situation. At first it felt like I was walking on top of bare blacktop, alone. Love to you all who have lost loved ones. Give yourself permission to get professional help. You can do this. A good friend of mine jumped in front of a train very unexpectedly. The reality is if you have not experienced it you just cannot understand.and that is truly a good thing. We have memorials in both of our shops, and every morning I fall apart in front of her pictures before I let the employees or public in, and I ask why she wouldnt let me save her. Know you may feel overwhelmed by the intensity of your feelingsand that all your feelings are normal. I open my heart and feel the pain of loving someone who was broken. I will not b in shock any more and I need that. He was so protective over me, promised that he will look after me till the day I die. Before she took her life she told her mother she didnt feel the medication was working and the visits to the institution were a waste of time. You were as good to your friend as you knew how to be. My boyfriend of 14 years and father of our 4 boys (all under the age of 8) attempted suicide on October 27th, 2018. It's roughfor real. I started threatening to turn him in for something he had done a few years ago in order to get him to try to work this out. "Boy (13) kills himself because bullies told him to.". He died after overdosing in his car while driving. A lot of it was in my mind-I felt like I was in more pain when, like you said, a lot of it was inner pain that manifested physically. It sounds like not knowing why your brother took his life is really troubling to you. I miss him so much i want this nightmare to be over. IsabelleS November 27, 2020 at 11:14 am Reply. A man's words to an audience of men, telling the story of how he became depressed in his thirties. He saved a marriage. If you overcome this on your own, you will become so strong in life. For whatever reason.. that was their destiny as damn terrible as it is. Let him know he isnt alone. I was blindsided completely and shattered. Our whole family went to do it. He was such a good boy. We Lost my oldest brother to suicide 7/11/16. God bless everyone who has written here. Mary kramer February 19, 2018 at 8:11 pm Reply. I went outside to see what he was doing. It is torture, not to mention the bipolar or depression causes you to hurt physically, including severe headaches, stomach problems etc. No warning. Hopefully youll manage to settle yourself the way you need, too. Admittedly he struggled with the transition (which was not immediate) and the price that he had to pay in social exclusion and rejection. I just couldnt believe it. You have great power. Im so sorry Aibon. I just want to hug him too.sometimes it hard to swallow that I wont see him ever again and it hurts..hugs to you and your family this holiday season, Mom of Tom December 14, 2018 at 12:24 pm. I dont know what I hope to achieve by writing this. How am I supposed to get over it ? We are here for you. Spending time with her wasnt the same it was almost like her eyes were glassed over and her physical body was present but her mind was elsewhere. An amazing friend killed himself 51 weeks ago. She told me so many times she wanted to die. Id urged her (and him) to seek inpatient hospitalization, several times. Now I cant deal with the pain and the thoughts of her suicide. This wasnt to be. Now that will never happen. I do things that I know my brother would enjoy doing, para-sailing, for example. I will never be the same again, and even my personality has changed since this loss, but I feel that it will make me a better personwiser, kinder, softerto have known such suffering myself. I know I will never be the same person again. He was a habitual Cannabis user from age thirteen and also took class A drugs occasionally at parties. The last 7 years, these had just gotten worse! If only there were something I could do to help them heal. Barbara J. Its called: Ride Peace through Connection with Self Spirit Nature, Ive come across this article 18 years after my first love took his life outside my house. What do you do when your favorite confidants have left you alone in this world? Someone sent me a quote tears are a way of expressing pain that words cant and i would like to add to it to help explain how I am feeling. I dont get it. I shouted his name and when he turned around i knew something was seriously wrong. He said that he wanted to die but we never imagined in our dreams that this will actually happen. And most minutes of the day, I dont want to. the questions came faster than I could process. Its like he made me fail him by making that decision and Ill never know if he wanted to be saved or not. It hurts that we talked about getting old together and even made jokes about it. We are a family broken. The way he deserves it to be done. Sending you all the support for your air travels and an internet hug. My mom took her own life 9 years ago. He was in charge of us alot. I have read your comments, and mourned with every single one of you. Nobody could make me laugh and hurt like He could. Everything I have researched has said that pregnant women are always first priority because of whats happening in their body that they dont understand but she was pushed away. Oswald julmi April 13, 2019 at 5:33 am Reply. That was so brave. Progress, though, is multifaceted andwhile our understanding of suicide has grown more compassionateour language has not. Know that someone else out there knows how you feel. Hi, FallenAngel. They tried to avoid my feelings when I talked about my husband over the phone as if nothing ever happened and made me feel that theyve never been happier when they hear me cry and miserable. Ill never get one of those hugs that last forever. Im sorry but that generalizes the unique circumstances surrounding suicide and there is nothing general about that kind of death. Hell be watching down on you. She has come to me in my dreams or my mind has tricked me into thinking that but I miss her still Ive relived every fight wondering what triggered it , why ? What? Is all I could think to say. We need to remember good memories. I feel less scared now, and some peace knowing that my moms pain is over. She taklked abour wanting to die six weeks before she died by suicide. I was 21 at the time and I was the one who found him. For me there is such a difference in grieving between a death from a physical cause and a suicide. The day he died my husband was told to name a price & not to worry about the amount. This website has a listing for EMDR therapists https://www.emdria.org/find-an-emdr-therapist/. I cant stop thinking about it. Anxiety and depression run in my family so I was able to offer her good advice and accept the way she was feeling without judging her. omg are you ok? Only to fall over in laughter after I confirmed my well being. The list goes on and on. Her husband, family, friends were always on the phone with doctors, therapist, crisis centers and every time they took a step, they would just let her go. it haunts me thinking what he must have felt to lead him to this. My father killed himself in front of me when I was 19. He suffered from PTSD, depression and the most crippling anxiety! I would never wish this on anyone, but sometimes I wish my friends/family could understand that divorced its not the same. I let her down,I failed her,now I am alone and looking for a way to go. By accepting all cookies, you agree to our use of cookies to deliver and maintain our services and site, improve the quality of Reddit, personalize Reddit content and advertising, and measure the effectiveness of advertising. I hate how mostly everyone is greedy, materialistic, selfish, and capitalistic. It makes the memories the feelings of love and happiness feel real. You will never get over them per se, instead life will hopefully get easier as you learn to live with them. Im sorry for your loss. My 27 year old brother hung himself. Ive done the general answers but my child wants to know everything and Im not prepared to share that. Hes been gone 2 months. I recognize so much of your experience. So, regardless of the circumstances around the death, it is not a given that it will be experienced as traumatic. Many tried extremely brutal methods and still found themselves alive. Much love to all and I look forward to hearing about your positive experiences. His ex-fianc tormented him and stalked him and sent him a sms telling him to do everyone a favour and kill himself. Now you know why I am understanding this from another view. That if his best friends and his mom and his dad and family are all doing ok then I should be. I wish I had called, i always dayream what could have happened if i had called, i am always imagining things. Finally at 25 years old we had to face that she was not able to work anymore. Plus the friends and any of his professors. When Im ready to start really getting painfully honest with myself, Ill begin to heal. I go to therapy and its really helped me to process. But Im sure as being not just your brother but also best friend he knows how much you loved him and is smiling at you because now his pains have disappeared and hes all healthy now and at peace. Hi my brother took his life by hanging on 1/1/17, he was 41, twelve years younger than me. He took his life on April 8, 2017. Bless you ? Im not sure I feel like I really belong in any group of bereaved people. We had made plans to go out and do things in highschool like normal teens. Realise that grief has many forms, from sadness, to anger, to guilt. My brother also became an alcoholic and, after years of sorrow and soffering, took his life out. He was upset because I lost a good paying job a few years back and was just living on our savings. My parents both worked a lot my father at a prison 3rd shift and my mother as a nurse. I would do anything to see him again. I have experienced so much loss as I was 14 when I got pregnant and the love of my life died when I was 5 months pregnant. Be aware of the pain of your family and friends. She called my daughter and told her to google his name and she too found his obituary. I lost my 20 year old daughter on Mothers Day of this year after she intentionally overdosed on her anti depressants and anti anxiety medication. The sun does not shine anymore and there are days I wish I was dead too. He had burned my personal belongings with some household items. I want to do well for my children but when I look at what Im up against I realize there is no way I can beat her and my childrens childhood is lost to me no matter how hard I fight. I just lost my son to apparent suicide, although he is listed in the archives as missing. My son died by suicide on jan 30,2015. Chris Coleman July 10, 2022 at 2:04 pm Reply. Michelle, I lost my beloved daughter in July 7th 2019. All the best to you. He was a successful business man up until the last two years he was losing everything he worked so hard for. Very tough weekend for all of us. She was always a dramatic moody girl. The police took her phone and her diary. No one to teach them how to tie a tie, how to shave. We said if one of us ever went the other would be right behind. Losing my son 20 years later has been very difficult. Im heart broken and here trying to find some clarity. But at the same time I dont know how if I have myself considered in dying because life is overwhelming me. This caused a change in his claim. Wednesday the hospital Chaplin came in. Nice article, I am a survivor parent who lost my only son to suicide 6 months ago. I missed the signs, looked passed it all because I never believed this was ever a possibility for him. Yes you did tell him all these things but he probably had undiagnosed mental illness that Made him actually act on these things. If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect. I am forever changed. I believe he blames me for his suicide. We recently just started talking to my Nana (his mom) in November and she just died a week ago from mental illness and she stopped eating. I know many were shocked at her sudden and untimely death by suicide. Sometimes I wonder why he didnt want to take me with him. I text and called him every day, when I didnt hear from him on the 8th of September, a great fear arose inside me, I went to his apartment and found my son dead. Reading this is so surreal and mind blowing that I just feel deep deep sadness that will last forever. She is now finally peaceful. She also had such a soft sweet voice. He went to the truck and I watched him grap his 357 magnum and put it to his head and blew his brains out. He was in physical and mental pain. She hadnt seen him since they left her house. My brother committed suicide by hanging 8/20/18 and left behind his five children. Strangers in the night. I told him that I wished he was a better man, and other stingers I knew would hit his vulnerability. The baby was delivered by CS, tragically the baby did not survive. My mom died today by suicide and I am struggling to process these waves of emotions; sadness, anger, blame, guilt.and so many more. Childhood neglect causes lifelong repercussions. I am not sure I will ever forgive myself for not asking him what was wrong. I dont think it will ever get easier in a few days is my 26th birthday Im still a baby I dont have a father or mother in my life anymore. My mom couldnt do itso I had to have a conversation.you never want to have with your mother. Love, your babygirl, Jill Hayes September 22, 2017 at 3:01 am Reply. The other day i heard about a girl in my schools boyfriend or ex-boyfriend hanging himself in her laundry room. Ill be there. So. That is beyond comprehension to me. He was hysterical, and called fir help. Remember to be patient and kind to yourself through out the years. Counseling definitely helps. Is it normal to feel like shes already dead ? What a lovely message. Please how can i fight this emptiness in me. My mother killed herself after numerous attempts 5 years ago. He was the better person by far. My brother shot himself on November 20,2019. That she finally found a real man. I know you feel alone in this but I assure you there are people who understand exactly how much you are hurting. And despite the love, concern, and support he did have, that he didnt have the help he needed. The anniversary, or death-i-versary, or crap-i-versary or whatever you want to call it, is hard year after year. I know it feels Impossible. It feels like a hot iron is going through my chest when I think of what he must have been thinking and feeling in his last moments and I dont know how to stop those thoughts. Absolute heart break, I lost my brother on the 19 of November. I promis to you that I will help you . God bless everyone. This is common when you are mourning. The second one was mine and my husband. and in Psalm 37: 5-6 Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him, and he will act. The son I speak of hear died just 17 months after his older brother died of a self inflicted gunshot to the head. He was blue when I got upstairs and my wife and I tried desperately to revive him with heart massage and mouth to mouth until the ambulance arrived. Its so painful to see pictures of my brother with a beautiful smile and to remember what is left now. It is devastating, but it means that people often do things that they would never do otherwise. My son Tony took his life on July 3rd 2018 he was 24 he hung himself in wooded area next to my daughter house he was the baby of the family a amazing young man with a beautiful baby boy Brooklyn he was 16months old he had split with Brooklyn mum the horrific things she said and done killed him because words can kill Ive lost somone so precious Brooklyn lost his dad sister brother all his family friends devastated wee love miss him so much but I have opened support group in Tonys name if a can save one person from feeling so alone well Tony never died in vane sorry for everyones loss to suicide its such a horrendous grief a rollercoaster that you cant get off pain guilt feeling of not going on another day nothing will ever feel good again but Tony wouldnt want this hurt a try my best to go on my mother lost her life to suicide when I was 4 my brother in law lost his life to hanging at 20 you just dont no what someone is feeling inside Tony was a funny happy boy he was no angel but he is now flying high in the Skye God luv him a should have saved him .