You told me you did not have your car because your brother needed it for work and could not rent a car because you had no credit card. The childlike behavior I have described as an emotionally disturbed 5 year old, I know it sounds like I hate him. Loss of supply - crying for themselves because they've lost a valuable source of supply. Im still trying to recover my self esteem. I relate to alot of what you are saying. Although hes only hit me once and I know that sounds like denial but believe me when I tell you I have made it very clear to him that if he does it again one of us is goin to jail and one of us is goin to the hospital. Yesterday, I wanted to give up. The more positive the connection between you = the more likely they will be to listen. I have naturally done everything they tell you to to try to get a glimmer of anything out of him. I know he loves me , but somehow, he loves his pleasure and freedom more. If you are trying to hold people accountable for what has happened in the past I would suggest thatinstead you make the decision to forget it. At the end of these emotionally exhausting talks, I end up talking to him as if he was 7 years old. Its no suprise they hide from their toxic shame. I came across this information 4 yrs. Again be matter of fact and say that you are concerned that they understand how serious this is and deal responsibly with how dangerous his behaviour has become. I did fall into withdrawing from him when it started to fail and now recognize that this may have been due to my own inability to love/TRUSTand my way of trying to yield a different result (aka control?) After a while and much anger being vented by both sides we tried to work on it and I immediately thought I had reacted badly and apologized for my slighted messages. Kim, you also say about leaving accountability to others. Man, I dont know how anyone believes they can make a mistake and refuses to own it like my friend thinks. I dont allow myself to be in the position of bad guy these days. But with your advice in my mind, I already managed to stop discussions without threatening to leave him. He tells me in a text later that night after Id told to drink concrete and harden up. Admittedly, at times, the narcissist finds it hard control his rage. I have to ask them what he says to them to unskrew the lies and manipulation put on them. To me he is like a predator sucking the happiness out of his prey and then throwing them away when they are sad. The fact that Im still doing the same thing with someone who isnt at all interested shows me that even if I met someone new, I dont know if I can try your suggestions. Life is hard enough without having to adapt yourself to twisted ways of relating to someone in order to have any semblance of a relationship. But how can I do it . Thanks for All you do & continue to do for all of us that struggle with this challenge. He also sexually assaulted our 4 year old one night during a drunken binge and was arrested but got off on a technicality even though CPS said there was no doubt it happened and all of us are in counseling due to the additional verbal and psychological abuse. He then made one last effort saying he wanted to see if he could salvage the marriage and his offer was that he would be willing to stay in the marriage, but I should not look to him to be a husband in any way. 15) You continuously disrespect and ignore my children when they ask you a direct question and get upset if they dont want to talk to you. He feels no guult and does dent his bisexual lifesyle. With his having to have things a certain way, hes cost the company money and possibly earned a reputationthat or the boss really does like him and is giving him more responsibilitywho knows, I just know the fall out of it all! Sorry to rush and also sorry to everyone I havent answered today I have a job for the next few days and dont have a lot of time! His favorite statement is, No one listens to me. 8) When my 15-year-old son called me crying and wanted to move back home after moving in with his dad for a year to try and have a relationship with him which was not working. Cannot yet share my own experience but am on a huge learning curve so am needing to understand more and recognise fully that the change needs to come from me: not only because I would like to have the NPD in my life understand the impact of his behaviour on me (and others) I am only responsible for my self. I am soooo sick and tired of him by the weekend after hes been a jerk half the week for apologising yes apologising for being a jerk and defending himself at what a tough week its been and hes sorry only for him to do it again. It is true that our program means you have to do most of the work (in changing how you deal with their abuse) but I do believe that your partner can change as I have seen it in Steve and so many others now. The other piece of this for me isI know that somewhere along the way, Im going to really NEED him for something. I could snap once that is say one sentence cos I was really upset about something and he would use it as an excuse to storm off, knowing full well that i say my piece and then carry on with my life. He was an illusion all along. Some days I am so glad that he is gone I could scream others days I really miss his presence not him. Its hard to give up on a man who has saved you in waysand who you know deep down, he is a good manbut his fear keeps him from being able to create real intimacy, and build on a relationship based on trust and honesty. Thankfully I never had to suffer that but mental and emotional stuff can leave scars just as deep. I moved a second time 6 months later, with my daughter, the dogs and the horses so we could rent a house big enough for all of us. I have been married for 15 years with two kids with my husband. I did and you talked to her on her birthday and I was so glad you made her feel loved. He was physical abuseive at times and pretending he did nothing or I lied or to blame me really messes my self worth up. If I leave, considering I have a narcissist for a father, and loved 3 other narcisst including the one I now love more than all the others combinedIm doomed to end up with another narcissist. And yet she believes there is nothing wrong with her and still blames me for causing her behaviour. Dependency: You feel out of control and rely on the narcissist (often unwillingly . Kim, do you think your husband had to do something similar when he learned how to be more accountable? Also ask the CPS for assistance and any numbers can give you. She was the kindest most loving, giving person I had ever been with.. until she wasnt anymore. Perhaps hes just a mild case. You will find loads of advice and support in the articles here and also my ebooks (-: Thank you for your article. The kids are terrified of him due to the many dangerous situations he put them in (drIving drunk, putting an apple on their head and prentending to throw an apple at their heads, forgetting one of the kids when he would leave to go get more beer, exposing them to porn, girlfriends jewelry, etc., etc.). A week before my birthday Im told that hes going away with his daughter to see his brother in Singapore and my birthday would be missed. Because I want him to relax and be himself. This is an interesting topic. I dont think the answer to the question of rape is simple. The means of asking for money at the very last minute, the lack of initiate to look for work, and his explosiveness and blaming when he does not receive money he asks for; has now led me very strongly to believe he is narcissist. I have just left a 10yr relationship with a Narcissist and I feel physically and mentally exhausted. The guy Im living with even wrote 2 books and the first one he is actually describing the messiah (him). Aue, what to do when theres a little one involved? Non sexual but emotional. Hi Beth The situation you are dealing with indeed sounds very extreme but the situation you are now in demonstrates why running away usually doesnt work. Hes got issues with alcohol which I believe can be closely tied with narcissism. When he calls me names I tell him I am sorry he feels that way because I think (something nice) about him and it takes the wind out of his sails. He is truly an emotional invalid with little ability to connect. I am tired of him doing that and am trying to set boundaries. Granted, I cant honestly say I could have done anything differently because by the time I did that, I had nothing left from years of dealing with his disorders. I wish I would have read this yesterday, and after giving kuddos for better communication and then N becoming evasive againI asked if we were o.k. You cannot control his family if he is assualting you you need help from the police and Back From the Looking Glass will help you with that step by step. I try not to belittle. You laid the facts straight out down the line without a hint of self-pity or confusion about your rights as an individual, or as a mother. They will say that you are the angry one and that you need help,and walk away full of selfrighteousness. Now we have to devide property, of course I dont deserve anything, I didnt do as I was told, had too much to say for myself, turned everyone against him and so it goes on and on. I wonder if there are any young men out there who have made a relationship work with a NPD young lady I feel with love and support from friends and family there must be a chance, I would appreciate any advice like most people who deal with this personality type as a mother I have been to hell and back, as well as most advice saying basically its my fault shes like this. Two weeks after the birth when we/I set up a date to meet, to top it all off, when I realised he hadnt told his Dad (who he was living with) about our son he proceded to tell me that he wanted to tell his Dad Id just surprised him with a baby.as it would make him look bad. WOW very interesting since we are just going thru an episode of what you describe Kim. I understand now why I kept drawing emotional leaches or vampires. I am (was) like a mother superior to him and thats not very sexy!!! Why? Im a survivor. Is it OK though that I gave him time to make a decision and set a time for him to tell me? Who should be the person who deals out his consequences? I started planning that when we meet for anything it would be in a public place. Once you give them that negative attention they will hold it over your head. and want to learn to truly love not for what they give me but for what I can give! It depends on what they are is the role he will play. Your husband sounds EXACTLY like mine was. He hasnt done one thing that seems to indicate any love (in well over a year)and it certainly doesnt seem like love. Do not include anything about your relationship. Years later he still says it was all my fault and I made it all up. You also need to let him know that if he damages anything of yours again you will go straight to the police. They Want to Get Noticed Together. Pride kills humility. I have been married to a NPD for almost 45 years and been with him 48. Ive also had to realize that I am a classic co-dependent and always thinking we can somehow get back to the way things wereor at least how I fantasize they were. Anyway the aderall med increased and over time he was prescribed a insanely large dose. I will try the technic to make someone else be the bad guy, but I dont know if I may have waited to long. regards Right or wrong, I had to write this, of you each decide for themselves. Thanks for your counseling and sharing. Did I catch it from him? I spoke with him last night and ofcourse he did not want to make a decision and was evasive and got angry. I would like to approach him out of concern and not as a bully. It has me thinking but in my case, I would say that I had the opposite experience. I know there is a grieving process. We are about to meet up this Saturday night after not seeing each other for 3 weeks.. Not throwing it in his face but letting him know that he is not the only person in my life. I have found dbt [dialectical behavioural therapy] to be very effective for ME learning to accept reality and deal with it effectively I have REFUSED to take the blame for his outbursts and now he knows that i really mean it, I have actually got several apologies that is progress indeed! It sounds like you have high expectations (perceived) from your partner. Hi Trying so hard I wonder if first you might want to work on making your home into someplace he wants to be? I would encourage you to read all you can get your hands on from Kim and Steve. Whenever we are growing closer, he will try and start a fight about nothing, just to give himself permission to get away and blaming me for it. I do not claim to be without my own issues. Im burned out on his verbal abuse and lack of accountability, blaming me for his frustrations with how I want things at my house..which it IS, and hes lazy too. He is already a bit worked up he gets worked up alot I said no of course notturns out, when he said Monica, I assumed Monica from the bank called but I find out no, Monica is the secretary for the company the cheque was written to which I could not have known and a little further investigation on my part was she tried to cash the cheque before the date so the bank returned it! If a narcissist does something inappropriate and you put up the emotional stop sign or hold them accountable legally, they will get mad at YOU and claim that they are being "attacked.". Forget any type of petty revenge you may be plotting; malignant narcissists see all of your emotional responses to them (whether positive or negative) as attention, and they live for that shit. Doing so, it began to dawn on me why my husband is who he is. I do feel very disappointed in him because this is our second go-around and this time marriage happened. Now hes drinking more and loves to stay high. If you dont have the skills nor are you willing to learn them, you cant do the job. And yet, Id give anything to turn back the hands of time and find a way to work through thisbelieving in my heart that we could both emerge more whole and healed and have a wonderful life! That took a lot of courage and self-respect. And we are a wealthy family! Now I control my own bank account and will not be involved with him with regard to money in any way, shape, or form for as long as we both shall live. Nor did getting a councilor and mental health services involved. I really am too frightened. My first calls to the police did not go well either until a policeman I met taught me about how to deal with the police if you want them on side. I will never understand it. And i said to him (with tears but very cool): Do not ever do that again. What Renee wrote could have been written by me. There is no promise once you get stronger that he will change or that in the end you will want to stay with him but you need to start righting the power imbalance in your home if there is to be any positive outcome for yourself. He is no longer abusive towards me and he is learning to control his emotions. He was in the habit of driving completely drunk. Apologies, crying baby, spelling mistakes and unfinished sentences above. I do not want this life for my children. I constantly remind myself of this. (sorry my neglish is not very good) I realise now my first husband had some signs of npd. That's why they fly into rages and punish and threaten you if you threaten to leave them and love bomb you if you do manage to get away. How much pain! They may act and feel grandiose and. I am a very loving and caring person that does not pick fights, but will defend myself for my safety. You simply say I did nothing you deal with it, its your problem. Id meant to say in that last sentence that id text him to say I was tired and hence grumpy that bubs wasnt sleeping.he told me to drink concrete and harden up it was my choice to have the baby, hed have had an abortion. This is often referred to as "love bombing." I do admit that I pushed too hard. They say they are sensitive, but the behavoir is undermining and abusive and can rip a person to pieces, even if they keep their cool, underneath that one can see that they are seething, but they will never admitt it. I wanted to share that last fall, I called the police to report that my husband was drinking and driving. Kim, thank you for taking a leadership role and sharing with us what worked for you! I need to do that. 2. He turned that into I am insecure. He denies that he has a problem. I know I have the strength to give him more than I expect to get from him. Identifying it has helped me work on myself self esteem, coping methods, etc. The majority of them do not change. Hang in there and keep working through the steps and exercises in the books! People-Pleasing. Holding him accountable for mistakes. Thank you Kim, reading your stuff has helped me so much to become a stronger person. To say that it is difficult is an understatement but now that I have healed a little and am much stronger, I simply dont take his rubbish. I actually separated from him once for a few months prior to the breakup for the same reasons constant verbal abuse and emotional manipulation Prince charming until any type of insecurity would arise. Ohhh my God- I wish I had found this website and this article in the early stages of my marriage. [] (An earlier version of thisarticle was first published on the narcissism Daily Mirror and then at:www.thelovesafetynet.com.) Hi, I only asked you to let me know when you made it back via phone so I knew you made it ok. You did not call me for three days after you came back and it took me calling you mother because I was worried and her telling you that, for you to call me. He mixes prescription meds and alcohol and is a walking time bomb. True, it is impossible without Gods help and others support! I have the same questions as TANYA and also wonder where to start, do i say I love you and forgive you and just start? Liar! Sounds great, but if all others enable, they do not bear the consequencesany wisdom on how to get his family/my family to stop enabling him so I am not assaulted again? Many rapes occur repeatedly and by family members and even if exposed the victim is not believed. Sometimes you just have to say enough is enough and let them go. I know where this comes from, even knowing this it hasnt changed a thing. I have a beautiful daughter which is not his, but whom he has been in her life for more than half her life. You didnt tell me about the damage until I saw it one day and when I asked you about it, you told me that you were going to tell me about it after you fixed it. He has his own rules that no one else knows about. Hope that the blindness of narcissism, the torment it brought to our marriage, and the happiness it stole, will somehow heal itself, like a cut on a finger. As much as he wanted it to look so, he hated the reality of being accountable for anything especially his own word. 3) You wanted to clean up your credit and had a car repo on it. It is good you can see you need some help too (-: Our 10 Steps to Overcome Codependence is a great place to start! Thanks Kim I understand you dont have alot of info to work with. Thank you again. Mine came back after 8 years of doing what he wanted. Thank you for giving me the hope that you do give Kim it is so refreshing!!! With two dogs and two horses, close to your job and being able to leave my kids in the same school since my daughter had moved schools twice already and my son was in high school and had just moved back. As you can imagine finances have been a total mess and Im trying to save bits at a time for your book. Its not a break up. I am assertive and have boundaries, yet none of the above techniques worked. And I have no idea what to do with the business. Well things have obviously been pretty delicate since then and Im keeping a healthy distance but we have in the last few months been repairing our relationship. His needs, concerns, and issues are everything. Cuz hes made himself King? He had created chaos there as well and when it all finally came crashing down on him I was ready to take him in and protect him. I thought that maybe I missed reading something. My advice if you are in a relationship with a nar, get out and dont let them manipulate you back in. Manipulative people, like narcissists, can hook their victims in with a tactic called "love bombing." It's the stage of the relationship where they identify their target, then make them feel like the most special person in the world by showering them with compliments, affection, and gifts. movies and poetry on 'The NC Marriage', and 'The Love Safety Net'. So correction, I enjoy a good material life, but nothing more really. HOLD them accountable in the safest way possible for you. There is huge part of me that feels very used, as if we were just this family he created out of loneliness until something better came along, and now that he is on his way out, he has no concern at all for the pain that created for all of us. The reason i fall for these men? I actually feel like I cant take anymore, and now find myself alone at 60yrs when I thought I would be settled down with someone to spend the rest of my life with. He is a good person and has morals. She curses in front of parents and kids, belittle me many of times.. Im trying to find a way to heal mentally but he doesnt give me a single chance. Get strong. He left me after several years of a push/pull, secretly planning to end it for a long time, but misleading me. 3. And of course its all my fault! Do I defend myself how do I handle the lies he tells me or texts me. But talk about a grieving process to realize that all that you thought was real love was not. Maintain Boundaries. I do not need permission to talk to another adult about concerns that I have that affect my families well being. Required fields are marked *. I know that I need to be patient and quiet.. Thank you to all the people who have made comment on this site, it sure has opened my eyes. By respecting my emotional, mental, physical health, financials, relationships with others, mature consequence based choices..it became very easy to see, that at no point, was tolerating this persons selfish, cruel, abusive, irresponsible and dangerous bullsh*t, a correct choice in any way shape or form. Its okay, he doesnt have to believe it. It made me feel alone too. Read them all cover to cover first, and then start following the steps and doing the exercises. Im hurting and I dont know what to do. He has different roles for different situations. Oh yes! Carry in a recliner with me after I asked you to please help me because it was outside and it was about to rain and you refusing, while sitting on the bed eating pizza. But this seems a weak boundary to me because I cant see when the line is crossed. They have forgiven you time and time again. I am far from having a healthy relation with my husband. Then used access to them as a way of continuing to control me. Its perfect in every way. I offered for you to drive the new one but you said no its ok, I drive the old one. I often feel rejected and alone. Hi Hannah, Yes you are right it will not heal itself. Its all straight from the heart and tells it like it really is. I have a severe physical disability and cannot take on parenting an adult it is too draining, Tanya we could be talking about the same man here, amazing. Unfortunately, my marriage held no hope. Yet, I hang on to this thing called hope. 2) When returning from you deployment you told me your ex-wife was coming to town and bring the kids so they could see you. When I found out and tried to explain to them that, that was not the case they would not renew our lease and we had 30 days to find a new home. So I have a question, I hope someone could give me their perspective. I know this is his way of turning this back onto me. I have survived and will be fine, regardless if he gets better or not! I say, A job is important, it will make you feel worthy; and it will also make me happy. !He shows no remorse,money is his God'(he grew up very poor)I undestand that and that it wasnt his fault.He is very verbally and emotionally abusive,to the point that I cant describe the hurt and humiliation.What u r saying Kim abt bringing a third party in wld make him laugh.He has called the police on me and turned the whole issue around so I got no help there.Ive been to counselling,healing all on my own cos he refuses to go cos theres nothing wrong with him.He is very,very crude and says as a married man he has his rights and if a wife dsnt have sex(never make love)with her husband he has to go looking elsewhere for it.He cuts me to the quick with his slander,always belittling me and constantly puts me down.He referss to me in company as the thing or the wife.I know pple think and look at me like Im crazy and its becoming embarrasing to tell them cos its like going around in circles.Also,he is such a nice guy,pple think he is wonderful and I am looked at as the miserable bitch(excuse the language)that he puts up with.Sadly he has been my one and only love.PPle say leave him and move onbut,move on to whatat my age and stage in life it isnt easy.And yes I love him and do know there is so much good in him. Lawyers have said to put all vehicles in my name. My ex of 12 years NPD and BPD has tried everything in his power to destroy me and our two girls. Why do feel the need to write and give him this or, of the sort, letter? We are loosing the ability to teach our children this concept, and it is affecting all of our adult lives.